Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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