You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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