there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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