I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
