if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
