We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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