Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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