Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
