Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
