i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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