So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
