It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dick very happy bro
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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