Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
