I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
