We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
