so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
