I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
