I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
