You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we're making bets on your personal life
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
