a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
