Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
