I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
