woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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