My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
