even my farts smell like vagina
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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