Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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