I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
