his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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