I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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