White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I checked into jail on foursquare
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
