Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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