woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
