so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
