Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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