I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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