Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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