I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
