I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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