It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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