Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
