And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
