Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
