When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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