nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
