Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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