Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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