dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
