Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
