No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
