Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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