I wanna passion pit in your ass
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
