she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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