I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
