apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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