I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
