god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
