If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
