...so i touched it.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
