Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
