Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
